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Rauyule - Sex, Porn and Masturbation Addiction

My name is Rauyule, and I’ve been in the interdimensional existence for five weeks. I died when I was 37 years old of AIDS. I was a sex addict, porn addict and masturbation addict. Even after I was diagnosed with AIDS did I continue. I couldn’t stop. And within the interdimensional existence, in exploring my life experience in this world, did I come to realise what had become of me, what I had done and why. So, I’ll share with you my experience, because I agree, the imperative must to stop is absolute.

Because the addiction to the experience within the participation of sex and masturbation, masturbation in particular, is like a parasite manifested within you, that in the moment of preparing to masturbate: Takes control and consumes you. Wanting and needing to feed off of the experience within masturbation to continue its existence within you. And then one submits and give in. Afterwards the sense of self comes through once more and the question within oneself continues: Why? Why the fuck am I continuing with this? It’s not even enjoyable. And if you look within you, yourself, the experience within masturbation is not so cool, but the ‘feeling’ remain of ‘I cannot help myself’.
It’s like an urge of need that drives you to continue doing it, even though that experience within you exists of: I shouldn’t, I must stop…

So, within my experience with regards to sex and masturbation, is that it had become like a parasite within me, that grew and grew and grew the more I participated in sex and masturbation, and the more this parasite grew: The more the urge of the desire for sex and masturbation grew, and the more the need for the experience within sex and masturbation grew. As though I was a carrier for this parasite within me, taking control of me in the moment before and during participation in sex and masturbation. And afterwards I would ‘return to me’ after this parasite was succinctly fed, and the absolute disgust and shame towards self would be the experience within and as me.

And this is how this works, if you don’t stop, this parasite within you grows and grows, needing more and more. Until ‘it’s too late’ from the perspective that the parasite becomes the beast that consumes and envelopes you, until there is no more of ‘you’ left and all that exists and all that you become is this urge of desire and need, a hunger for the experience within sex and masturbation.
Pictures of woman is all that occupies your mind, until even that is not enough and you move onto the entertainment of pictures of children within your mind. And this is where I ended up, I became the beast. Driven by the hunger for the experience within sex and masturbation. Pictures and ideas and fantasies of woman and children of all and any kind occupying and filling my mind.

In the beginning you are ‘selective’, meaning, you only allow certain, specific particular type of woman to occupy your mind from which you derive the motivation to masturbate. But as you continue, you become ‘bored’ and ‘tired’ of the effort of selecting only specific particular woman. Then, any and all woman occupy your mind, with which you creatively design fantasies within your mind. Then, suddenly: children, because woman become ‘uninteresting’ within the mind after a while when done too much (there are only so many types of woman in this world)…

Deriving motivation to masturbate starts with pictures. This ‘parasite’ makes you believe that it is the pictures of woman you see with your human physical eyes and within magazines and portrayed in media and film that is the reason for the desire for masturbation and sex.

Then you enter the phase of the selective searching, specific types of woman, related to pictures. Then you enter the phase where fantasies within the mind are designed of the selective types of woman derived from pictures of specific types of woman. Then you enter the phase where no more pictures from magazines or internet is required, one immediately derive motivation to masturbate from within your own mind of dream-world fantasia. Then you enter the phase where the specific type of woman no more matters, you design fantasies of woman you had seen during the day in participation in this world. Any and all kind/type/shape/form/look of woman. Then you enter the phase where seeing a child will instigate the motivation for masturbation, as all the previous phases from which you derived motivation to masturbate or have sex had become insufficient, ‘boring’ so to speak. The lack of excitement driving you to the extent where fantasies within one’s mind of children now becomes the driving force to masturbate.

And this is where the ‘trouble’ really begin: Because you enter a phase where the fantasies of children within one’s mind as motivation for masturbation is no more enough, and if you’re not in a relationship, you will be driven and forced into the madness of this parasite and do anything and everything possible to gain and obtain a ‘new found’ excitement. This is where the beast emerge and is born from the parasite which you grew and which you fed within you, and rape manifest…

What I had realised is that I had raped me. Throughout the participation in masturbation. I had raped me. The definition of rape: Fucking yourself deliberately from within the starting point of addiction.

And within raping yourself, you manifest this rape towards others. You manifest that which you are and that which you do. You are a rapist and thus you will manifest rape, because you literally rape yourself.

And, self honestly: You didn’t not want to have sex with your girlfriend because of your fear of her becoming pregnant and having children, this is just an excuse, a justification. You didn’t want to have sex, because sex didn’t present you with the pleasure, excitement and satisfaction that you experienced within masturbation.
And you actually preferred masturbation over sex. You wanted to be with yourself within your own mind’s pictures and fantasies with your participation in masturbation. That’s the actual real reason why you didn’t want to have sex with your girlfriend.

What I realised is that it was never about the pictures, it was never about the fantasies. The pictures and the fantasies is the deceptive diversion, meaning you think/believe that the desire to masturbate, the need to masturbate originate from the pictures of woman and children, shit, it even extends later to men and family members. And the pictures and fantasies become that which pre-occupy and consume your mind. But I realised that the pictures and fantasies was not the actual real reason and not the actual origin: It was the ‘feeling’ experienced within and during masturbation that was the origin, the reason…

I realised that the experience, the feeling within masturbation was what drove me, what forced me. It was a desire that culminated and then I’d ‘give into this desire’, then ‘motivate me’ to participate within this desire by succumbing to the pictures and fantasies within my mind., manifesting the fulfillment of this desire by experiencing the ‘feeling’ within masturbation.

I realised that guilt, shame, disgust I experienced afterward was also self deception. I deliberately ‘made myself’ feel ashamed, disgusted and guilty to in some way maintain a form of ‘humanity’ within me. Because the truth was, that I was obsessed and possessed by this experience I had within masturbation within my fantasy-reality of the mind.
And I know I said in the beginning of this document: ‘that it’s not so enjoyable’, though, if you look self honestly within you: You would have no problem to exist within a secluded room by yourself having the ‘freedom to masturbate as much and as long as you please’, just going wild within the experience of masturbation.
Therefore, the guilt, the shame, the regret, the disgust afterwards, is self deception.

The question you have to ask yourself is: Why don’t you experience what you experience afterwards: Before-hand? Because if you were to experience what you do only afterwards as the guilt, the anger, the disgust, regret and shame, before-hand, you wouldn’t do it, you would not participate within the masturbation.

If you want this to stop, you have to be self honest. Otherwise the mind will conjure up all sorts if excuses and reasons and justifications and you will just continue as is and not stop, but always want to stop. The want and need to stop will remain, but you won’t actually STOP.

So, the emotional experience afterwards is the deception, the cover up, so that you yourself and others may not think ‘too badly of you’, meaning, you fear admitting to yourself, that you actually want to continue within the participation of masturbation, you actually don’t really want to stop. You want to continue.
So, you hide behind emotional experiences afterwards, when the self honest truth is that the emotional reactions afterwards is not the truth. The truth is the moment before participating within the masturbation and the moment during the masturbation. Because the moment before and during is YOU actively participating. You within and during the action of masturbation: Here is the truth of you.
Afterwards, then you go into your mind, the lie, the deception where the emotional-reactions come from which isn’t real. The reality, the truth, is who you are within and during the masturbation.

And, this is difficult for some to hear, but: If you really wanted to stop…you would’ve done so already.

The self honest point for you to realise is that you still want to continue and don’t want to stop. You want to continue with masturbation and your experience within it, because you enjoy it, you like it and you only have the emotional-reactions because you don’t want to seem/look like a ‘bad person’.

You’ve reached the stage where you’re not even actually interested in woman, an actual real manifested relationship experience, because you’ve already got your partner which is your mind reality of pictures and fantasies of woman. Which is quite satisfactory to you and you’re quite content at the moment with just you and masturbation.

Have a look at how you’ve already isolated yourself from the world from others for a while to come.
Where you cannot even properly communicate with woman and even other human beings. It’s like you can’t anymore. Speaking infront of a camera is not a problem, because all that exist in the room is you, yourself. Yet, when it comes to other human beings, it’s hard and it is difficult.

The reason being, because you know within you, within your mind, you’ve transformed bodily flesh as human physical bodies in this world, no matter if it’s male or female, it’s about the actual human physical form: Into pictures within your mind.
And when you speak to someone physically here or in the presence of another human being physically here, you are afraid to communicate with them or be in their presence, because you are afraid within yourself whether they know that you have used their physical human form as pictures within your mind which you use to masturbate with.

Because you know, within yourself, that you’ve actually raped human beings already, you’ve raped them within your mind, by using pictures of human physical bodies to masturbate with. And this is what I realised: I raped beings within my mind, using pictures to masturbate with. And then I manifested this rape as an actual experience in this world. I raped others within me and thus raped others within this world, actually manifesting and creating me as a rapist in this world. And I endured the consequences in this world, got AIDS and died of AIDS, man, and I deserved it.

So, stop before it’s too late. Stop before you become that which you thought you would never be able to do. I never imagined that I would be able to go as far as raping another being, but I did. Before I could wipe out my eyes, a monster was staring back at me within the mirror. I once looked at myself in the mirror and since that moment, I didn’t ever again look at myself in the mirror for more than 10 seconds. I couldn’t bare what I had become, but at the same time I believed that I couldn’t stop myself, which was a lie.

I had an opportunity all the time to stop myself. Every moment before I participated in masturbation, every time before I stood before a woman/male and raped them, BUT I DIDN’T, I continued.

Therefore, it’s not about an addiction being to blame, it’s not about masturbation being to blame, it’s not about the feeling or experience being to blame within masturbation, it’s not about the pictures or fantasies within the mind that is to blame: IT IS YOU, YOURSELF that is responsible…

You are the one not stopping yourself. You are the one continuing in participating with masturbation, blaming it towards a possible addiction, blaming it towards the feeling, blaming it towards the desire: When it’s not that, it’s all you.

And this is what I realised: I realised that it was ME that didn’t stop. That I firmly shifted the blame stating: I cannot help myself, that this addiction is too overwhelming, that the want, need and desire for the experience is too overwhelming…
And then you make yourself believe that you are ‘giving into something’, when the self honest truth is: That you don’t want to stop, but want to continue and you create any and all excuse, justification and reason such as blame and judgment to not have to stop, to leave a door open to continue.

I understand that this is not ‘nice’ to hear, but, this is not a situation that is ‘nice’. This is how it is. You have opportunities to stop, the opportunity is here in the moment before you masturbate. This is the moment where you must STOP YOURSELF, because if you really want to stop as you say you do, then you will actually STOP YOURSELF in the moment before you participate within masturbation.

All that I have shared with you here, what I have said to you, is what I realised within me. Your and my experience is and was no different. You’re already at the phase where you’re starting to seclude yourself from people and the world, isolating yourself, masturbating more than usual – this is a problem.

Stop, before you become what you would never have imagined you to be able to do and be. Do not walk the same road I have, learn from those that have gone before you and hear.

So, self forgiveness you’ve applied in self dishonesty. Because if you would have applied self forgiveness in absolute self honesty with regards to the masturbation manifestation: You would’ve stopped yourself. You’re already too far in this consummation with masturbation to stop yourself during the experience, therefore you have to stop yourself before-hand.

You will go through about four to six months of withdrawal, because this masturbation manifestation has already become you, all of you, as you. You have become masturbation and the very manifestation thereof within your mind of you. Taking over your entire life, as you’ve already noticed.

So, from personal experience, I suggest you stop the moment before acting. Because it is within that which you do, participate in, express that is the truth of you, not the experience afterwards.

So don’t judge yourself and do not judge the masturbation, because even judgment towards masturbation and yourself is self dishonest, because in judging you and masturbation, you’re just re-manifesting the construct within you over and over and over again.

STOP in the moment before-hand, because in stopping the moment before-hand, here you make the stand, the statement of who you are.

Rauyule