Sex • Desteni - Group of people exploring Equality & Oneness principles

R
U
B
E
N

Roam
Under
Belly
Enter
Night

Those are random words - I placed the first letter and wrote what came up at the moment without taking time to think about it. Roam = wander around some place - Under the Belly = this is the sex region - Enter Night = the dark side of myself? The suppressed? The undiscovered? - The dawn of myself maybe - because of the extent of how I have limited myself within the relationship with sex. Sex is great - one may think - but what is sex? Is sex energy? Is the best sex the maximum amount of energy one can experience?

For me, the way to charge the energy for 'sex' was porn - the visualization pictures where there was sex depicted. From this pictures I experienced arousal that would be eventually released through masturbation. I used this as the distraction/enjoyment/fulfillment I was looking for. But it is not so cool - actually I have experienced an isolation from reality in focusing and participating in porn and masturbation for more than  five years as a teenager. That sucks - is the word to describe it in short. In long, I have limited myself in my relationship with ALL woman and have judged myself - also I have used more time than one year of schooling in porn - that is such a waste! An energy waste - like radioactivity that now I have to  clean up - because it has molded my current personality - where I resist speaking with most woman face to face - specially if I regard them as 'sex-y' sexy stands for 'sex yes', right?

Recently I saw a girl with which I fantasized in my mind. In the moment of seeing her I experienced an energy movement in my stomach - uncomfortable. That is an indicator that something is controlling me - that I am not clear within myself about it and that I have not forgiven myself for my abuse towards her in my mind, energetically. I realized that it was not about her - that it could be any woman that I would had used in my mind to fantasize about. I remember very well how I targeted her to want to go in a relationship with - it's very interesting: I was talking to someone about how I liked a girl and instead of agreeing with me or approving my 'target' this person expressed that this other girl I targeted he found more appealing. And so I targeted her. LOL From that day on I had a purpose in life: Impress her so she would eventually be interested in me and be in a relationship together. That didn't happen and I instead recreated the most interesting part in my mind - what I was actually looking for = sex.

I am grateful that I am walking the Desteni I Proces course with which I can assist myself with great tools to release myself from my past and create something of worth from myself  - or is not myself what I've become? I have to find out! I bet it's not.

Adrian Blackburn 2011 ©