Looking at a Pattern
I woke up this morning, still feeling a little sick, and asI came downstairs to begin my day I felt a familiar pattern coming. I wasreally tired and my eyes were having trouble opening as I came down stairs. Myhead was heavy because of congestion and my feet were heavy. Within all this Ijudged myself as looking like a big ogre fumbling around because I was still ‘half-asleep’. When I looked in themirror I was surprised not to see a horrific sight. I just saw me, tired. And Ifelt bad for having judged myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judgemyself in the mornings when I am tired and not ‘all done up’ and ‘ready to go’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beginmy day within immediate self-judgment without stopping myself and bringingmyself back Here in awareness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and to base my inner experienceupon that judgment that is not even real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dependon the mind to dictate who or what I am upon waking up, instead of waking up inawareness and walking into the day as self-trust and self-direction.
The familiar pattern I felt was that ‘everything is a hardtask’ and ‘I can do it later when I feel better’. Do it ‘later’ as if, at somelater time I will feel perfect and I will have changed and I will have noproblems moving me. But not now, now I have a whole list of excuses ready as towhy I cannot do things right now. The pattern consist of the belief that I haveto do everything right away, right now or else I’ll never do it, it willaccumulate until it I too big, and it will become unmanageable.
This has, in the past, been a familiar play out. I had beenstruggling with this one before Desteni- before I had the tools to deal with iteffectively. It is severe procrastination, and then it gets too big justthrowing my hands up and saying ‘fuck it’, I’m not dealing with this. And thenLife becomes this huge ball of accumulated consequences which I am stilldealing with in so many ways. “The sinsof the past” as my dentist would say, as the consequences come back to hauntme.
I remind myself here that the only way through this is totake one thing at a time, and to take itin a specific, well-directed way, in order to work through all the consequencesof the past so that I can start doing it ‘the right way’ from the beginning.The ‘right way’ meaning, not in terms of right and wrong, but in terms of self-directionand procrastination- to direct my world right away, as things come up, and tosee them through to completion, without any reactions. Reactions are notnecessary, but it is almost impossible not to react when I put things off. Itis really self-sabotage because not only do I set myself up to continue toexperience the consequences of it, but I also set myself up to react, to judgemyself, to feel insecure because I haven’t proven my self-trust that I will dowhat I need to do.
When I put things off it’s because of extreme resistancesthat I believe to be true/real but are not. This means I am still depending onmy internal experience of myself to dictate who and how I am, and what I amable to do and not do. This leaves me within absolute abdication to my mind,which is like an ogre that fumbles around and barely makes it through the day. Ido not allow this to be who I am.
Every time I push through these make believe walls I amfine, I come out on the other side having expanded and having gained a littlebit of myself back. Every time I stand up in the face of my beliefs that I amnot able, I give a little of myself back to me, as the most precious giftanyone could ever give themselves. One which only I can give me because I amthe one who ‘gave myself away’ in the first place. I gave myself away to thebeliefs that I am too weak or too small to stand in the face of my very ownbeliefs. I created those beliefs, so now I am responsible to un-create them,which involves constantly and consistently reminding myself that they are notwho I am, they do not dictate what I am capable of, and they do not representmy limitations. I have proven to myself time and time again that I am able todirect myself and my world.
But I have spent my whole life believing I am whatever mymind conjures up. I have spent decades believing I am limited to that which mymind conjures up, and the multitude of limitations my mind bombards me with soas not to have to face me, my life, reality. Till here no further. I will notcontinue on with this charade of limitation. I allow myself now, to step beyondmy beliefs as limitations, and into the world of unscripted self-direction.This is where I decide who, what and how I am, and I will not decide until Ipush myself to see just how far I can go. But this involves patience, as Igently push me, little by little, every day. Constant and consistentapplication is the only way.