Yeh this is a point over and over again showing up. In so many subtle ways I seek attention from others. It could be a small thing like giving someone a ride, or chatting with someone, and I notice I do so to get their attention. To have a chit-chat is to have them pay full attention to me. Of course, when offering a ride, I am driving so the passenger will give all the attention to me. So three is crowd, two is a company is so true for energy seeking parasites like myself.
Who or what is that within me seeking so much attention and approval? Is it me or some parasite in me that is seeking endless attention? Of course, its me, me as my mind, me as my ego seeking energy boast via attention to sustain myself as mind, as ego, etc.
So what will happen if I don't get the desired attention? Sad, lonely, isolated, pity, angry, depressed, and bunch of related diseases. Feeling of being left out is a big one for me, I quickly go into that pity feelings of being isolated by others.
I have to really watch out for how I seek attention in small subtle ways. Offering rides, chatting, emailing, all such doing without any practical purpose but only to get an energy boast.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention in subtle ways, in small ways, in unnoticeable ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek energy and attention from others so I initiate conversations just to have chit chats. Just to get attention from others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize when I start chatting with someone, I do so just to get attention from them. As I have no practical need for a chat. Even when I enjoy chatting with someone, I start the chat just to get noticed by them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get noticed by people and do subtle things to get their attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want attention from others, and in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things just to get their attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need friends to feed my energetic mind/ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the core problem is not been here as breath, therefore going into my mind, which directs me to get energy through others. so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breath.
As a self corrective step, I state: when and as I see myself doing or saying things to get attention from a person or group, I realize the old pattern, which demands and plays dramas to get attention, so realizing that I will simply stop it. I will breath it out and not give into the mind's rush to make some drama to get attention specially when I am in a group setting.
So next time I am in a group setting, I will simply focus on here, been here, doing what is needed to be done here and not go in the group mode and start cracking jokes etc. If a conversation is started, and if I have something common sense to share then yes I will speak, but not just imposing my knowledge and information unto others so that they will notice me as a wise guy, or cool guy hence give me attention.
Just be here, either alone, one to one, threesome, or a group, I am here just me, speak when needed. Constantly doing or talking shit to get attention from others sucks, and I realize it makes them run away from me.
Who wants to be with an energy parasite. On the other hand, its cool to be with someone who is HERE totally and who speaks common sense not just cracking jokes and making noise to get attention. It stinks to be with a verbal diarrhea.
So I stop such patterns as I notice them within me by breathing, I know that I can live in a whole new way, just been here as breath. I don't need to be a parasite seeking attention all the time, it is in fact very tiring on me and others, which makes any relationship nearly impossible to grow. No wonder I don't have any real connections with anyone, because I am never Here to connect with anyone, I am too busy seeking attention from others. So I breathe.
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