Self-Forgiveness -- "The Way, the Truth and the Darkness"
When I first heard about the self forgiveness that Desteni was presenting I simply gave it a go without thinking much about it.
Like almost everyone, we reach a point in our lives when we do something really stupid to ourselves and we realize there is nothing else to do but to forgive ourselves and let go (let E-go) - what is done is done. So, from this perspective, I understood self forgiveness to be a useful tool to make peace with oneself, but the way I used it had nothing to do with how Desteni was suggesting.
You see, everyone can say "yes, I know what self forgiveness is, I have done that loads of times". Somehow we believe that if we come to a point of realization that "nothing can be done to change the past" and that "it is better I forgive myself and let go" - that is enough, it is all we require to understand what self forgiveness is.
After I started applying self forgiveness the way Desteni suggested I saw how I actually knew nothing about it.
If I make a comparison: forgiveness before Desteni was like shopping maths - just add the numbers together and you have a result.
Forgiveness the way Desteni suggested is like moon landing maths - you go into all details, ultimate specificity. You need to put together all the right elements that will combine to make the rocket, you need the right fuel that burns at the right temperature, you need the timings to be precise, you need to know the exact distances, you need Einstein to come up with the Theory of Relativity (and you can imagine what kind of maths that involves...), and you need much more that what I can possibly describe... I AM NO ROCKET SCIENTIST!
So, when I started my "rocket science self forgiveness application" I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into... But I just went for it and kept going...
I made a list of things to forgive myself for. I started to go into the details of who I believed myself to be. Forgiving things I was ashamed of being/having done, forgiving the ideas/beliefs that justified "me having more than others", forgiving fears, forgiving doubts, forgiving relationships... I just started writing... and something started to change within me.
Let me make one thing clear: The way it is suggested by Desteni to apply self forgiveness is very specific: It can either be written down (on paper or on the PC) or spoken out loud. This is a way for you to SEE and/or HEAR what points you are actually forgiving. Thinking is not enough in any way. It is very easy for oneself to deceive oneself by believing that the voice in the head is enough. It is not! It is easy to think about stuff... You will think of things that you will never admit you have thought about, you will say things in your head that you would never speak or write. So, by speaking it or writing it down you are voicing yourself, you are directing yourself, and you are doing so step by step (word by word) - and this way you will see in detail the programming that is controlling you.
Besides this, the way the sentences start is also specific:
I forgive myself I have accepted and allowed myself to...
I forgive myself I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that...
Within this one is actually taking full responsibility for oneself - and this is one of the core principles behind self forgiveness: One is actually forgiving oneself from the starting point of realizing that one must take self responsibility for oneself to CHANGE oneself.
So, that being said, you should roughly have an idea of "how far the moon is"...
In my process, when I started applying self forgiveness, I immediately noticed that something was different. I started to experience an emptiness, I was getting rid of a burden that I had no idea I was carrying. After a long self forgiveness session I would experience silence - it is the closest experience to what "peace" might be defined as.
But all wasn't as good as it might seem! Oh no! There was pain! Quite a bit of pain on my feet, on my legs and knees. This was an indication that I was grounding myself (feet) and that I was letting go (legging go) of my needs/ego (of my knees). That is what self forGIVEness is: it is the act of GIVING back to the earth the energy that exists within us as systems of fear/shame/regret/jealousy/blame/inferiority/superiority (ego) that control us; that become our burden - non of it is in fact real.
What was of great support when experiencing the pain was breathing: focus on breathing, and with each in breath bring the pain to the centre of the chest area, and with the out breath release it, let it go.
If you ask: what made me decide to walk self forgiveness? My answer is simple: If I cannot be at peace with myself, how can I be at peace with others? If I am not at peace with myself, how can I expect there to be peace in the world?
One thing was certain: I had done some stupid things to myself, I have hurt myself more than what I have hurt others. But another thing was also certain: I can change. I can be better than who I am / have become.
So, it was very obvious that I had to make peace with myself and change myself to never again under-estimate myself; to never again fuck with myself; to never again accept from myself anything less than who I actually am as All as Life.
Another thing was also clear: to not do so (walk/apply self forgiveness) would be the proof that I was being controlled by Ego: "I don't need to change", "I am happy with myself" -- which is self deception, it is a lie, it is pure self disrespect and it is abuse towards oneself and All Life. Until this is realized - the FACT that you can be MUCH better than what you accept and allow yourself to be - self forgiveness will be impossible.
I have been walking this process for over 4 years and I have changed a lot. Not only that, if I haven't done so I would definitely gotten worst, because that is everyone's "natural path": more fears accumulate, more addictions, more regret, more shame, more fucked up relationships... All of that stopped accumulating and it has only decreased. As a result I am a much more stable being, with greater self trust. I am more directive in my daily application, I am more disciplined and determined, I am more patience with myself and others, I am more clear and direct in my communication... The list goes on. In essence, I am a much better version of myself. But in any way I am saying "this is it, I have reached the peak" -- not at all!
As stated before, this is a process, and as such it takes time. I have fallen quite a few times, but I have stood up! And I will keep falling until I get it all. And with each fall I can only get stronger if I am to transcend the points. So, here is a tip: never judge the fall, otherwise the "fat judge" will "fall on you" and it will be harder to get up and stand.
Not recommending everyone to apply self forgiveness is like wishing eternal hell for all on earth.
We must see with new eyes - with new I's.
Why would you rather remain blind by your own thoughts instead of applying self forgiveness? All the comfort that your ego brings to you is nothing compared with the physical experience of one breath in silence. If I could put together the words that would make you apply self forgiveness right now, I would not hesitate - but such is impossible. You see, this is a process of SELF forgiveness, and before you start applying such you must go through the process of SELF REAL-I-zation, wherein you realize that things are not what they seem to be, and that you can surely change yourself to the point of perfection - all it takes is to be perfect in each breath! You must REALIZE that your REAL-I is not yet REAL-I-zed. Only then you will forgive yourself for not BEING FOR REAL.