26 January 2010

Hi, I’m Maya

Umm, I’m going to discuss today about the resonance Discussion that I had couple of days ago about what I’ve experienced, about the reaction that I had, umm… what I’m experiencing right now.

Umm, Ok so, basically, there was couple of points in the discussion that came up:
One was how I defined myself according to Maya and according to my environment in Israel and here on the farm.

There other point was, umm… How I’m using… not really using but how I amm experiencing the point of inferiority/superiority with people in my life – how I play this game.

Umm, and the other point was the fear that I think that I’m experiencing in relation to my parents which I basically only used as an excuse to not stand up, to not face myself and not to walk my process unconditionally.

And the forth point was, how I’ve tried to manipulate Maya through umm.. having thoughts of maybe I should be in relationship with her.

So I’ll start with the first one - umm.. so the first point is in relation to my relationship with Maya.
The relationship that I have with her is based on what we agreed on - to support each other in terms of Self-Honesty.

We defined that as being there for each other to uncover our self dishonesties through one each other. Umm.. what we experienced while I was living in Israel were something that I’ve never experienced before, we not only lived together, we also shared… started to have a business together, umm… we had couple of businesses together – one is in relation to process and one is in relation to just make money.

I started to walk this process, not really by myself – I started to walk this process with another friend and I introduced Maya to the process after I realized a bit of what is going on, after I just finished to see the History of Mankind.

And Maya didn’t really umm.. she is more skeptical, she didn’t “buy” it completely as I took it, or “buy” it in the beginning, so I started to push her and push her and push her and at the same time I started to apply myself, started to change myself and once she saw that, she started to apply herself.
Umm… it’s very interesting to look back, at all the things that happened because now I realized that my point in all of this control, superiority, pushing her, using authority.. kind of authority was because I made her a reference point to my change, to my process.

What I did was – I justify myself through her- as long as she see the points that I see, as long as she is agreeing with me, then I can stand and walk in my environment, talk with people, and knowing that I’m “right” because I have another one who says that I’m “right” – it’s not only me that saying that I’m right.

So she was my reference point, she was my security point. She was not only there for me all the time, she was a justification for my fear of the future.

What I did was – I told myself that I’m looking for supporting environment, that I want people in my life that doing the process so it can be easier for me to uncover myself, to uncover myself dishonesties. That it is easy when someone else telling you: “what are you doing?” or saying to you: “Maya, you are in reaction now, look at this point” and when he does it, he does it from a point of support, from a point of equality.

And.. I started to talk about the point that I’m want to create a community, and that I want to have all the people in my life doing the process, and thus, I have to bring more people to Desteni, so I took the point where I was trying to talk as much as I could about Desteni, about process, with everybody, just to have more people in our life.

What I’m seeing during the SRA session that I’m currently dealing with the point of the actual pie in relation to the environment - so in terms of specific types of people that I have in my life, I created a mind construct of – believing that supportive environment is only the ones that agree my beliefs system, basically. I didn’t see that before, I didn’t see that it is only a belief, so what I did was – I pushed away people that didn’t want to see themselves, I pushed away people that didn’t want to apply themselves and to see the point of self dishonesty and I could backup myself because Maya saw that as well and as long as she seeing what I’m seeing – I am safe, I’m not alone, I have her.
I walk this process and everything that I do, that I’ve applied that I realized – I have someone else justifying me. So basically I used her to get the energy that I needed to support the definition that I had about myself, about how I’m walking this process.

This is a very interesting point that I didn’t see before.
Umm.. To realized that I pushed her not from a point of really Self Honesty but through a point of Self-Definition of process. I didn’t walk unconditionally myself because if I couldn’t get her agreed on the same perspective that I thought, then I would doubt myself, and I would bring her to the point where she is realizing the same point that I’m realizing and I didn’t let go when she didn’t agree with me.

We lived together for 6 months and I think that only in the last month she started take herself seriously and take responsibility for herself so before that I was the one that pushed that control, tell her what to do, what to read, what to watch, telling her what Self Forgiveness to apply and I…
It’s amazing – what I did was - I was so fearful for coming to the farm and because I’m in the farm, no one will keep an eye on her so I wanted to push her more before I came here. So I made her decide that she has to “close herself” at home and only do “process” and only apply herself, like I did.

I didn’t see that I was hiding myself from the rest of the world because the rest of the world didn’t agree with me. And the only place that I could be me, “me” is at home and I wanted her at home. I wanted to justify me staying at home and not going to other places because this is how I defined process.

So I made her realize that she has to do the same. And she did, she stayed at home and closed herself at home. I mean, it was a very cool experience for her but the starting point wasn’t really Self Honesty starting point.

What happened was.. umm.. when I left she ummm.. the person that was living instead of me in the apartment was someone that I tried, I pushed so much to do the process. He was with me when I first started to watch the video and I wanted to see that with him and he didn’t really want to. But he was sticking around for 8 month and he said he wanted to live with Maya and do the process and… umm.. before I left, this person was with us many times, I mean, he was almost every day coming to our place and I pushed him and then I just gave up and Maya took my place of pushing him or to show him that he is being self dishonest and then I left and she saw the point that I saw before of how he is manipulating her in discussions and she had to stop, she had to take responsibility because she didn’t have me anymore to stop the conversations to stop the loop conversation that was on and on and on about that same point that he doesn’t want to see so she had to do it.

Then she realized that – ok, I’m not here anymore, I can’t direct her anymore, I can’t support her anymore, she has to take responsibility for herself, and she did. And I knew that this is what she is doing because I was communicating with her from here.

And.. when she posted on the forum I came to the point where I “forgot” that she is standing up now, I “forgot” that she is directing herself now and I tried to control her like I used to do and it’s seems so natural, and after I post what I posted, Darryl came to my room and asked me whether I was too much rough on her and he told me that I’d might attacked her and that I didn’t see the point where she is finally came to the forum and shared herself and this is cool and I justified myself and I told him- “no, this is what she needs, she needs me to push her, she needs me to tell her what to do, she needs to take responsibility and I am the only one that she would listen to.

Ok, so, she.. I saw that point, I mean, after half an hour I wrote another post telling her that it’s very cool that she posted here, but what I didn’t want to see is what I did.

So the next morning I awoke up and I couldn’t see in my right eye, I could see but not normally, I mean, even with glasses, it was depleting intensively and I started to freaked out in away.

It was 5 in the morning and I ran to the other house to see if Sunette or Bernard are there to ask them what the fuck is going on. And Bernard was there and I told him that I don’t see in my right eye. And he asked Me what don’t i want to see? And I told him- “come on, this is obvious, of course that I don’t want to see something, otherwise I wouldn’t lose my sight, but what is the point that I don’t want to see?” And he said “I’m not going to tell you, you have to figure it out by yourself”.

Which was really frustrated.

Then, of course I started to cry, and he asked me if I saw the post that the dimensions wrote in relation to the discussion we had on the forum and I told him that I didn’t and then I realized that I have to look about that because if the dimensions is writing something, i probably did something wrong (* a followup about that point is on the forth video)

I still didn’t want to see that, I focused on.. I mean, I ran back to my room and applied Self Forgiveness on the point where, why I fear losing my sight. I mean, I didn’t even look at the point of Maya.

And then, after a while the internet came back and I saw the point of me trying to control her. Which was not very shocking because I already saw it in away just didn’t want to see that.

So, I lost it. I just lost it.. I started to have a headache and I couldn’t control my headache, I tried to breathe, didn’t help, I even took a medicine for the headache. I went to sleep, awoke up, with headache again, all shaky, crying all the time, couldn’t stop the urge to cry. I was trying to suppress the crying, most of the time I could.

And then, an interesting point came…

I thought – “ok, maybe I’m reacting the way I’m reacting because I don’t want Maya to be in relationship, maybe I want to be in relationship with her. Maybe this is the point that I don’t want to see, maybe what I don’t want to see is that I have sexual thoughts about her, maybe I should be with her.”

Umm.. I went to Sunette and I talked to her about that and she explained me that this is a very common fact that occurring between male/male, female/female close relationship and that she doesn’t see that within me. She also suggested me to look at the point of why I fear that I have this thoughts, I mean, this is obviously not the case but still I have to look at the point where I have fear of being a lesbian.

Umm.. the forth thing that came to my mind is that I fear the reaction of other people like my family, friends, society. I mean lesbian..

So, I went back to my room and I applied Self Forgiveness about the fear of my family and then Sunette came to my room telling me that I have a Resonance discussion.

Umm.. I asked her if she can also bring the resonance for another discussion describing me why I can’t let go of the fear from my family, parents and she said “no, this is a point that you have to deal by yourself, just walk that”.

So the resonance discussion started and for me, it was the first time I saw Sunette going out from her body and another being coming in, and it wasn’t just another being, it was me coming in.
I can’t describe this experience in words just.. umm.. unbelievable to see her going out and me coming in.

Ok, so the first point, as I said, I saw how I defined myself and my process according to her (Maya) and once I didn’t have her here, I went to the opposite side of feeling ‘less then’, ‘unsupported’, ‘alone’, ‘confused’ umm… and when I felt that, what I did was, again, manipulating her and I was well aware that I was manipulating her, in writing her a letter, saying that I feel so alone and that I have no body but her and things like that.

What is interesting is how I get my energy from her when I.. it’s like drugs, I mean, you feel “low” and then you take drugs and you feel “high” again. It’s exactly what I did with her. She gave me the energy that I needed but it’s only energy, so obviously, I can’t support myself, I can’t stand by myself. I didn’t realized that walking process is walking me, is supporting me and the starting point needs to be me supporting me, walking process unconditionally for myself, and not defining myself according to others.. yeah.. so this is a cool point that I saw.

The other point was inferiority/superiority..yeah.. we played this game. We balanced it in a various ways. For example - I was superior in relation to process while she was superior in relation to money. Umm.. she was superior in relation to self expression. And I slowly, slowly, slowly tried to equalized myself but this is another point that I have to work on, I see that now and I’m working on self expression – this is my first video by the way.

Um.. ok the third point is the excuse that I make when I believe that I fear of my parents or the reaction or the consequences of me walking my process and what it will do to my parents.
I only used that as a back door for giving up. I didn’t really wanted to face myself in relation to give up “me” and face me so I can stand equal to everything.

So yeah, this is another big point that I’m walking through. I can only test myself once I’m back in Israel so I can’t really say that this point is over. What I did realized that it is only energy based, it’s not real and it’s got nothing to do with my parents, it’s has only to do with me, to be able to be equal to my parents and not be less than them. Because I’m equal to them.

I think that I covered up all the points that were on the discussion.
We talked about me defining me according to Maya, we talked about superiority/ inferiority game that I’m paying because I basically experience myself as less then everything or inferior to everything and to balance it, I’m trying to be superior in my environment towards Maya and towards other friends that I want to them to walk my.. to walk the process, to walk MY process instead of letting them walk their own process. I tried to justify myself according to them, to get my energy from them, to justify myself Honesty through them.

So, another point was the sexual thoughts I had towards Maya, trying to manipulating her through having a relationship with her, so I can control her and keep her in the same level as I am and basically, not letting her change or stand by her own, because I know that the one point that she didn’t apply was self directiveness and I was playing with that. I mean, this is the one point she had to walk and once she did I “lost it” because then she doesn’t need me anymore, she could leave me and everything.. I’m by myself. I don’t have “future security”, I don’t have a “home” to go back to, I don’t have “energy support” that I got from her so I tried to find another way to “save” her in my life, to control her in my life.

So this is another thing that I tried to do. Which is amazing because… umm.. I know that I’m attracted to man but I was willing to forget about that or to suppress myself to the point where “I don’t care, all I won’t is her and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her under my supervision”.

Umm, the forth point is that I’m still looking at the excuse that I’m making as fears towards my family, parents so I could hide behind and not really take the responsibility and change for what is best for all and to walk my process unconditionally.

This is only fear that has nothing to do with them and I deliberately tried to blame them, try to avoid them which doesn’t make any sense, instead of being equal to them instead of standing as who I am – I’m trying to hide, I’m trying to make an excuses so I won’t have to stand up. And this is not acceptable.

It was very interesting to realize that the fear that I’m experiencing all the time is not really fear but an excuse, that the fear is only energy and it’s not who I am.

And I’m not allowing myself to be directed anymore according to this fear which is not real and I’m equal to my parents. That’s simple.

Ok, so this was my feedback about the resonance discussion that I had.

I am very grateful for the opportunity to talk with myself as a resonance and now again hear myself and go through the point where I didn’t want to do videos because I believed that I didn’t have the confidence to do that and that is something that I wanted to do for a long long long time and I really glad that I just walked through that and did the video so I could hear myself.
And I hope it also can assists you guys, so this is me. Bye

A Followup:

Hi this is Maya again.

I’m here because I just heard my video and I realized that I’m still participating in the polarity of “right and wrong” because I experience myself as less than the Dimensions.

What I’m talking about is the… where I told the story of how I thought that I did something wrong when the dimension wrote something about my post instead of realizing that there is not such a thing as good or wrong, all that exists is ‘Consequences’.

So, I applied Self Forgiveness about that point, I realized that I’m equal to the dimension, to the information that was presented.

So this is another cool point in making videos to be able to see yourself, hear yourself and then correct yourself.

So, thanks. And Bye.