Winged1: Exploring Self-Intimacy
Date : 17/09/2007
Self intimacy – exploring self intimacy – noting that it's Self intimacy – not just intimacy: But Self intimacy.
The question then is: What is self intimacy?
Into me I see (Intimacy)
Into me I see – what do I see when I see within me – have I ever been intimate with me?
Why have I not been intimate with me – do I fear my own judgment unto myself when I allow myself to actually honestly see within me because I fear what exist within me as me – because I fear what I might see exist within me when I see within me – when I am intimate with me?
Why do I fear self intimacy – why do I fear being intimate with me – then because of this fear, because of this fear of seeing into me, because of this fear that exist of seeing into me, that I might see something I may judge or others may judge if they were to know – I suppress this fear of being intimate with me. This suppressed fear of being intimate with me becomes far long ‘forgotten' – hiding this suppressed fear of self intimacy, hiding this suppressed fear of self intimacy through relationships – forming relationships separate from me to just not have to face me through self intimacy.
What is it this I fear – how am I able to fear me – being intimate with me – seeing into me if I have not yet even allowed myself to? How do I know if there exists that within me which I may judge or others may judge if they were to know?
What is this judgment I fear – where does this fear come from?
Self intimacy – into me I see – here, self honesty exist – being honest with me – the key to me is self intimacy.
Is it then self honesty I fear?
Self honesty with me – being honest with me that I realise that I have been suppressing self intimacy through hiding within relationships separate from me – to just not face me – being intimate with me – searching and seeking self intimacy within others through relationship – to just not be intimate with me – because I have not been honest with me.
Is this then the judgment I fear? The judgment unto myself and the judgment others may reflect as me?
Self judgment – manifesting self judgment, allowing self judgment, passing self judgment unto myself – before I have even allowed myself to be intimate with me: Lost in a vicious cycle.
The cycle of the perceived search for love – within relationships separate from me – only because I judged me before I even allowed myself to be intimate with me – then fear – because I know that I have not been intimate with me – using fear of self as the excuse because I have not been intimate with me – I have actually judged me before being intimate with me. Then using fear of judgment of others as another excuse to not be intimate with me: Hiding this judgment, this self judgment with fear – then acting in fear – through hiding this judgment with application: The application of seeking and searching for intimacy within relationships separate from me – hiding this with the excuse of ‘looking for love'.
Pulling of the layers one by one – from believing/perceiving I am looking for love, from believing/perceiving I am looking for intimacy within others separate from me as relationships, from believing/perceiving I fear me – to the core: Which is that I judged me before I allowed myself to be intimate with me.
Self judgment – yet – again – where does this self judgment originate from, come from, that I am not allowing me to be intimate with me – self intimacy.
Judgment is not real – judgment I am not able to manifest – yet experience if I believe it to be real, if I perceive it to be real – just as I had done with ‘love' – love is not real – I tried and attempted to make it real – through having relationships separate from me as a ‘hiding sanctuary' for me through fear of judgment of others and of myself when they realise and when I have to be honest with me – that I tried/attempted to make ‘love' real because I have not been intimate with me.
Manifesting the illusion of love as relationship to hide the truth: I have not been intimate with me because of judgment I may place upon myself if I were to be intimate with me – what will I find and what will I see if I were to be intimate with me – I don't know – so therefore I'll not go there – I've never been there – I've never been here with me – I've never seen into me and therefore I'd rather not: This is the moment of self judgment. Cloaked with the perceived fear of self…
Removing that which is not real that I have manifested and experienced as real which is relationship and love and seeking and searching for intimacy in others – to see the truth – to be able to be honest with me, finally, for the first time to actually be honest with me – that I have judged me – before I have even been me, before I have even been intimate with me, before I have even seen into me. And because of this judgment – I cloaked this judgment with fear, then fear became me, the foundation of me from which my world exist, my world that I manifested of that which is not real: ‘Love' – playing the game of apparently ‘looking for love' and ‘searching for love' – and in this search exist relationship – I form and develop a relationship separate from me – with another in the exact same position as me – another that has done the same as me – another that has also judged self before being intimate with self, before looking within self, cloaking this judgment with fear – this fear becoming them, their foundation – manifesting this fear as ‘searching and seeking' for ‘love' – ‘love' that is not real manifested in the place of having to be intimate with self – this ‘love' manifesting as relationship.
And thus – we support each other within self judgment as we hide together within this ‘relationship' that is not real – because we manifested it from that which is not real which is ‘love' – manifesting that which is ‘love' which is not real and experiencing this as a ‘relationship' which is not real – to hide the truth within ourselves: I have not been intimate with me – I judged me before being intimate with me – and I'm trying to fulfill me – separate from me – because I have not ‘fulfilled' myself by being intimate with me – the moment of self intimacy, the moment I allow myself to be intimate with me – is the moment of self fulfillment – when I realise that I am fulfilled!
Thus – this which is ‘not real' as ‘love' as ‘relationship' that I have manifested as an experience – will show to me that it is not real – will show to me the truth of itself: That it is not real. That which is not real as a beginning and an end and thus the relationship will not last and also love – because both were not real – like a mirage in the desert – for a moment you experience the mirage and then it dissipates – it vanishes – just like the relationship and just like love – it is suddenly gone – in the moment when you least expect it.
Then – I am left alone – I am left alone with me – and this I fear – because to be left alone – means I am only with me – even in this world with billions of people – I am alone and I do no longer have a relationship behind which I am able to hide.
I am able to manifest out of ‘love' which is not real another ‘relationship' which is not real – where I define sex as intimacy – instead of me being intimate with me…
But why do this? I know where it's going to end, it has to end, it's always ended the same way: I am left alone.
I fear being with me – because then I am alone with me with this self judgment of me – the self judgment that exist within me because I have not been intimate with me – I don't know what I'll see within me when I'm intimate with me – when I see within me – as self intimacy.
No-one may know that I have not yet been intimate with me – do I search for another who has also not been intimate with themselves – judged themselves before they have been intimate with themselves – hiding this judgment through manifesting and experiencing relationship that is not real through love that is not real: Thus supporting each other to not have to be intimate with self – self intimacy – because of what may exist within, which is unknown.
How long do I keep this up – how long do I continue to see/manifest mirages as ‘relationships' and ‘love' and experience this for a moment as ‘real' until it suddenly, unexpectedly dissipates and disappears, revealing to me the truth of itself: It is not real –then I am left alone once more within the dessert – why am I in this dessert? Did I desert myself? Did I desert myself through not allowing myself to be intimate with me, judged me before I allowed myself to be intimate with me, thus deserted myself, and lost myself within the desert of mirages – creating and manifesting mirages as ‘relationship' and ‘love' to quench my thirst for a moment – to just realise that I am dying of thirst – that I am dying of thirst – the thirst of me – the thirst that is I that I'm only able to see through self intimacy.
And every time the mirage as ‘relationship' and ‘love' that is not real dissipates and disappears – within this desert I lost myself within, this desert the manifested experience I allowed because I deserted myself, I see the truth: ‘relationship' and ‘love' and ‘intimacy' as sex is not real – I am experiencing myself in this desert that I manifested because I deserted me – dying of thirst – the thirst that is me – but will I face the truth – will I face the truth: That I am causing this ‘dying of thirst' experience – that I am responsible for me being here, alone within the desert as the manifested experience of me because I deserted myself, creating and manifesting mirages of ‘relationship' and ‘love' and ‘intimacy' as sex continuously for one reason only: I judged me because I have not been intimate with me.
I will either continue this way – remain within the desert – the manifested experience because I deserted me through not being intimate with me, but judging me before I did, manifesting mirages as ‘relationship' and ‘love' and ‘intimacy' as sex for a moment, quenching my thirst for a moment – with another also manifesting and creating mirages as ‘relationship' and ‘love' and ‘intimacy' as sex – supporting each other within this mirage to hide the truth of ourselves, it'll either remain until we both die together within this desert that has become us, as we deserted ourselves, supporting each other within this desertion, supporting each other's mirages – or look for another if this mirage dissipates and disappears and eventually die together within this desert – as the desert and the mirage that had become use dissipates and disappears at death – what then happens after death?
Or – if I don't face the truth – I will die alone within this desert I had become – dying of an seemingly unquenchable thirst – only because I had not allowed myself to be intimate with me – because I allowed myself to judge me before I had been intimate with me.
Facing myself – I see I stand alone here within this desert – I see that I have been manifesting and creating mirages as relationships and love and intimacy as sex which are not real – because I realise and I see I stand alone. Here I am –I see I am alone – I am alone with me within this desert – the mirage as relationship and love and intimacy as sex has disappeared and dissipated suddenly and unexpectedly -for a moment I thought it was real again, for a moment I thought it would last – though maybe it was hope, maybe it was hope –the hope that this mirage as relationship as love as intimacy as sex could just be real – could just manifest as real – I tried so hard to keep it real – to keep it here, but to no avail: The mirage as relationship, as love as intimacy as sex revealed once more, once again that it's indeed not real.
I become angry – I am full of rage because these mirages are not real – every time I manifest/create a mirage: It shows me its truth: I am not real – no matter what I do – the fucking mirage as relationship as love as intimacy as sex – fucking disappears, fucking dissipates – suddenly, unexpectedly, when I am not prepared, when I really hoped, believed and thought that this time: It is real. The anger grows, the anger consumes – I become this anger – there's no-one else to blame it on – maybe manifest/create another mirage within which I am able to fuck up the entire mirage into oblivion – to all who participate in this mirage – then to just realise once more: I am alone -the mirage has been destroyed – yet here I am alone once more..
Or – I'll marry this mirage as relationship with another separate from me, with ‘love' and ‘intimacy' as sex – through marriage – this mirage will me bound to me – I will marry this mirage and birth children from this mirage – then in such a way – the mirage cannot escape me – cannot leave me – because it is now of me: I married this mirage, thus it is bound to me, I have birthed children of this mirage thus it is its responsibility to remain with me – and thus can never leave me alone through dissipating and disappearing suddenly and unexpectedly. Yes! I found a way to make the mirage as relationship as love as intimacy through sex ‘real' – through marriage! Bound this mirage is to me – bound I am to this mirage to not have to stand alone within desert that as me, because I deserted me, my thirst will be quenched for the remainder of my life, for the remainder of my life – I don't have to face me – I don't have to see this desert, I don't have to see me alone within this desert I manifested and created because I have not been intimate with me – I don't have to stand alone with me, with this self judgment in me – I don't have to be intimate with me: Mirage: I have you through marriage.
If this mirage remains for the remainder of my life – I die – this desert will die – this mirage will die – I won't have to face myself ever…
Then I realise: This mirage has again disappeared and dissipated – marriage is as the mirage: I have fooled myself – marriage is also of the mirage: Not real. Birthing children from the concept of manifesting a family to have this mirage be bound to me – to not be able to leave me standing alone once more within the desert that is me, experiencing that which I had become – which I done to me: Deserting me – is also not real.
Marriage, family – not real – the mirage has disappeared and dissipated once more- here I am alone once more – I see me within this desert that is me – even the mirages I manifest/create are deserting me – my existence is of desertion – my existence is of all that is not real – dissipating and disappearing constantly and continuously not matter what I do: No matter what I do – what I do it not real and it deserts…WHY?
Then I look within me and I realise: That I had deserted me through the manifestation of that which is not real: Judgment – and here I see – that I had done what I had become: That which is not real and desertion: Judgment as that which is not real I had become because I believed the lie that judgment is real and desertion of self because I deserted me through believing that judgment is real – and then manifesting this judgment within me, manifesting this desertion within me –which had become me as my entire world – as my entire experience as the desert of desertion and the mirages of what is not real…
Here I see – I finally see – that this desert is me – I manifested this desert as me because I deserted me – here I see – I finally see – that I these mirages are me -I manifested these mirages because I believed that which is not real is real: Judgment.
Therefore – what do I actually see – that all that I have ever known to be ‘real' – all that I had tried and attempted to make real – is not real.
Am I not real then?
What do I do – what happens if I were to realise, actually realise that this judgment within me – is not real – what will I see – what will I be – what will happen – is this what I had been hiding from? Had I been hiding from me behind all that is not real? From that which is not real as judgment?
I see now what will happen if I were to continue – am I able to continue now that I see that this judgment that I believed to me ‘not real' as me has manifested that which is not real as all the mirages – as the desert within which I experienced myself because I deserted me?
Will I now face myself – in this moment – remove the judgment – remove that which is not real – not allow myself to again manifest and experience mirages that is not real within a desert I had allowed myself to become, manifest and experience because I deserted me?
How? All I have known is this desert, all I have known is this hiding of me within mirages that is not real – to just not face me – then I realise once more – that by asking how? – I am justifying and excusing myself once more for not taking responsibility for me to see within me to be intimate with me…
And thus I stand – the desire to create and manifest another mirage exist – it would seem simpler and easier to just not have to be intimate with me, to just not have to see within me – but this also is justification and excuses originating from self judgment – such statements are self judgment – NO MORE!
I stop here – I accept that I am alone – I realise and see that I have not yet been intimate with me and that I have been hiding from me through self judgment and thus judging me – and thus deserting me – NO MORE!
I am here exploring self intimacy as me – yet who is this me – what will this me as me experience and manifest as the judgment no longer exist – that which is not real no longer exist – the desert will disappear – the mirages will be no more – and I realise and see that all that exist is truly me – just me.
What have I done? Have I been blind – I have blinded me within this desert – I have blinded me with mirages of the desert – for I realise that even the desert was not real – both the mirages and the desert was not real – was of the starting point of judgment – of which judgment was not real –could I have done this? Why – why have I done this? Oh Yes – I judged me before I allowed myself to be intimate with me – and thus the consequences of this – is what I manifested and experienced as the desert as the mirages…
And here I am – I see me – so simple – just here – I've always been here – I am here and here I shall remain – I see me! Could it be so simple?
Who else is still lost within mirages and deserts because of fear of being intimate with self – self intimacy – into me I see – into me I see…..ME!